The journey began 31 years ago in a small town in southwest Florida. I grew up most of my life with my grandparents due to my parents rocky marriage that ended in divorce by the time I was ten. I am the middle child of three with an older sister and a younger brother.
I could sit here and tell you all about my childhood, but I’m not sure that would help in my purpose for this blog. My childhood was a typical dysfunctional one with lots of ups and downs and days I didn’t think I would survive. It was at a young age that I realized I was different, but never knew what exactly it was. We often grow up with a sense of understanding of who we are in life, but I struggled to grasp onto that.
It wasn’t until I was in the 9th grade that I started to find myself at least that’s what I thought. I finally came up with enough nerve to tell my grandparents that I was a lesbian. At that time in my life that was where I thought I belonged. I was attracted to women not men and felt like I needed to fit in somewhere because with my straight friends I didn’t belong. When I came out as a lesbian to my grandparents my grandma asked me if I was sure. I’m not sure why that is the response I got from her, but she just wanted to make sure since I was only 15 that I truly knew who I was.
I think many adults tend to think that children and teenagers don’t know who they are. They haven’t had enough life experiences do discover themselves. In my opinion I think children and teenagers know themselves more so than you think. They have a more intuitive understanding of themselves.
As I lived in my queer lifestyle I started to get intertwined into that lifestyle and for a brief moment in my life I forgot about my struggles. It was when I turned 20 that the struggles began to become real for me. I had tried to commit suicide twice and been baker acted once for stating I was going to commit suicide. I was internally dying inside from the feelings of not being myself. It was at that moment that I realized who I was and that I was transgender.
Now a days you look at all the young people who find themselves at an earlier age, but for me it was a journey and still is to this day and will be for the rest of my life. This journey began that day though for me. It was an eye opener, but at that moment I realized I was trans I also wondered what am I going to do now. There was little news articles or news media about transgender at that time in my life. If you saw anything it was negative stuff and it never referred to FTM’s only to MTF’s and mainly identified them as freaks.
I didn’t see myself as a freak though and I still don’t to this day. I simply saw a man who for most of his life struggled with his identity. Despite me recognizing that day that I was transgender I didn’t do anything about it until over a decade later. At 31 years old I decided that I could no longer live my life as someone I wasn’t. That for my own sake and my own happiness I needed to begin the transition. This meant many changes for me and that’s where this journey continues.