How to be a good Cis Ally!!

Are you a cis ally? Or do you know a cis that wants to be an ally? I think we all have at least one cis person in our life that could utilize this information. Transgender people are outnumbered by cis people in today’s society and cisgendered people should be aware that we are the minority. Trans people are easily degraded and put down by people who are ignorant and don’t understand anything about what being transgender is all about. Cis allies are important to combat that kind of behavior and to have another voice in the community fighting for our rights just as much as your own. Truthfully unless you’re a white cis male you were a minority at some point or still are.

Which brings me to my point. Just because you call yourself an “ally” does not make you one. Unfortunately, there are innumerable ways to be a bad one. This is even true of people at large LGBT organizations and in the LGBT spectrum who really should know better. Instead we see the same mistakes being made over and over again. Even more pervasive are people who they they’re open-minded and tolerant but, in truth, hold views that keep transgender people firmly in second class citizen status. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard or seen the following:

• “You can do whatever you want to your body; I just don’t want to pay for it.”
• “I have nothing against transgender people, but I think businesses should be able to hire or fire whoever they want.”
• “I don’t think people should use a different bathroom until they have had the surgery.”
• “You should only be able to get a new ID if you’ve had the surgery.”
• “Businesses should be able to serve whoever they want. You have to respect the owners’ religious beliefs.”
• “I don’t want my children having to deal with issues like transgender teachers.”
• “I was in favor of repealing ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ but I don’t think transgender people should be in the military because [fill in the blank].”
• “I have nothing against transgender people, but I could never date one.”
• “Transgender women shouldn’t play against real women. They should just have their own league.”
• “Schools aren’t equipped to handle transgender issues. Why don’t they just have separate schools for those children?”
• “You may be a woman, but you’re not the right type of woman.” (Hat tip to Lisa Vogel.)
• “I don’t believe that really happened to you when you transitioned.”
• “I don’t care how my actions affect you.”

After all these bad examples, however the question remains: What makes a good ally? In all the examples above, people take these positions based on a lack of understanding of the lived experiences of so many transgender people; of how hard it is to find work, or medically necessary health care, or accepting partners, or athletic activities where we’re welcomes, or safe spaces; how hard it is to simply not be othered.

The starting point to being a great ally is listening and not just listening but hearing what we are saying. Here is a list of 5 ways to be a good ally.

1) Don’t assume.

Don’t assume anything. Don’t assume that because someone passes as a certain gender, that you shouldn’t ask what their preferred pronouns are. Don’t assume that just because trans* women are more frequently victimized that they also aren’t creating art, contributing to their communities or seizing political positions as well. Don’t assume that feminist services, like women’s shelters, will be safe places for trans* women. Don’t assume that you know anything about their experiences, their lives, their sexuality or politics. Don’t assume that because someone came out to you as trans*, that you can now out them at every chance by adding that they are your “transgender friend.”

All gender issues involve all people of all genders. Don’t assume that a feminist issue only affects cisgender women or that misogyny doesn’t affect trans* men because of their past experiences with gender. Don’t assume that trans* people even want to be male or female and not somewhere on a gender spectrum or that medical transitions, which are often inaccessible to poor trans folks, are the only ways to “legitimately” transition.

Check and double-check that spaces have access to gender neutral bathrooms and that your organizing includes resources that actually understand trans* issues. The best way to find this out is by asking trans* folks what services they use.

Create spaces where everyone can identify with their preferred pronouns. Suggest folks begin their introductions with pronouns when they enter an organizing space. Tell people your pronouns first, creating a space where it’s not weird for someone to follow-up with their own. Create spaces that don’t just focus on transphobia, but celebrate trans* folks.

2) Use your privilege.

Sometimes activist events can be problematic, but you still really want to go and they’re doing their best, with no funding and inclusivity is expensive… Don’t buy into this. If an event has a strict “women only” policy, don’t go. Tell others why you aren’t going. Tell the organizers. Let them know that transphobic spaces aren’t acceptable. Use social media to get the word out to local media, other organizers and even the venue. In 2012 a transphobic “radical feminist” conference had its event space pulled after activists denounced their exclusionary agenda.

When you hear a joke with a transphobic punch-line, call folks out on it. It’s not comfortable being the person to bring a context of oppression into someone’s privilege. Do it anyways. Start by checking out this tool on calling people out. Refuse to tolerate transphobic language, even when it’s used by drag queens (even RuPaul). Talk about trans* issues, successes and celebrities. Draw attention to trans* culture and how often it is silenced.

Lead by example. How you interact with trans* folks affects the actions of those around you. Folks are much more likely to take cues from a non-trans person. Use this privilege to be respectful and inclusive.

3) Insist on action.

Many radical campaigns mention anti-transphobia as a tenet of organizing. Hold these folks to task. Ask for concrete action. Adding a “T” to an LGB organization isn’t enough. How exactly are spaces being made more inclusive? How is the policy against transphobia going from paper to the real world? What trans* perspectives are organizers using, what trans organizations have they reached out to?

When organizing a protest with the possibility of arrest, make sure trans* folks know their legal rights and risks. In Canada, people are placed in prisons based on their sex assigned at birth, not their chosen gender. This means that trans* folks are often at an increased risk of violence in holding cells and prisons. Follow the tips in this tool about safety for trans* folks during direct action.

4) Don’t ask.

Don’t ask trans* folks to identify within the gender binary. Don’t ask trans* folks about their genitals, their sex lives or their surgery/hormone status. Don’t ask trans* people to educate you on their oppression. Don’t ask trans* folks to fit into a narrative of being “trapped in the wrong body.” Don’t ask trans* folks to be responsible for breaking apart the gender binary when they are just living their lives. Don’t ask to be included in trans* only spaces. Don’t ask to speak for trans* people, to lead trans-focused organizations or committees. Actively seek out trans* folks for these roles, making space for their experiences.

5) Listen.

When trans* folks speak about their experiences, just listen. When a trans* person tells you that your space is not safe for them or uncomfortable or inaccessible, hear them out. Never be above putting your own voice as a person with cisgender privilege aside to create space for trans* experiences. Listen to the kind of change trans* people are working towards and take cues.

It’s amazing to see mainstream media taking notice of some of the work of trans* folks and their experiences. Trans activists will continue to do important grassroots work — it’s up to cisgender allies to support them and make sure that there is always a welcoming space to celebrate it.

Remember listening and actually hearing what we say is number one priority when being a good cis ally. It’s important to continually stay a true cis ally and not stray away from that even if people are trying to talk you into another direction. Be true to what you believe in because at the end of the day you have to answer to yourself. We need your support through every aspect of our lives so go out and be the cis ally we all know you can be.

 

External Transphobia

Any trans person in today’s world has been affected by transphobia at some point in their lives. Transphobia and prejudice against trans people are sadly all too common in our society and trans people often are met with discrimination and prejudice when they try to get on with their lives and perform everyday activities. As with all other prejudices, transphobia is based on misconceptions and negative stereotypes about a group of people (in this case the trans community or those who are perceived to be trans) that are used to “justify” discrimination, harassment and even hate crimes.

Do we live in a society that people are so into themselves that they can’t see around their own judgements? I realized how society was when I came out as a lesbian and dealt with homophobia. When I thought nothing could get worse I came out as trans and realized that I would run into people who were transphobic as well. Although I have not yet encountered some of the same hate I received from being a lesbian I have encountered some transphobic behavior. Just because we encounter transphobia doesn’t make us any less of a person without it. We simply just have to learn to deal with it in our own ways. Here are some things that people may say or do that can be translated into transphobia.

• The belief/insistence that trans women are not “real women”
• The belief/insistence that trans men are not “real” men
• The belief/insistence that non-binary genders are invalid
• The belief/insistence that transsexual people are gay people in denial and wish to have sex reassignment surgery to attempt to restore ‘heteronormativity’
• The refusal to acknowledge a trans person’s true gender
• Refusal to use the correct name for a trans person
• Repeated and deliberate mis-gendering of trans people
• Exclusion of trans people from activities, services or conversations

In every aspect of our lives we may encounter insulting transphobic behavior from mainly cis people, but that isn’t to say that you may not encounter transphobia from another transgender person. My last post talked all about internalized transphobia that transgender people encounter so if someone is troubled with their own trans identity they might force that attitude back on someone else who is trans. You never know where you are going to receive transphobic behavior from so you must be ready.

For me I can handle the insults because I brush it off to ignorance on the other persons behalf, but it can get hard when they become belligerent in their behavior or continually do it over and over again. Recently I had a conversation with another trans guy that is currently in the closest, but talks in a group chat among trans and cis folks. He told me about how there are two cis guys that are constantly making inappropriate comments about trans people, essentially making fun of them. He came to me asking me for help on what he should do because he is in the closet. Just because you are in the closet or stealth does not mean you can’t stand up for what you believe in. It doesn’t out you to simply sat to the people making the comments that you don’t condone their behavior and you believe it should stop. I know this isn’t always the easiest approach because you are never sure what kind of response you may get, but that’s where being ready is vital.

When handling transphobic behavior you want to try to stay calm. If you get mad, upset, irate, or any other behavior you might get the person doing the transphobic behavior to get more intense. This will just escalate the matter and make things worse for you in the long run. I know it’s not that easy when someone is degrading the person you are simply because they don’t like it or understand it. Still stand up to them and speak your mind just do it in a tactful manner.

If you are encountering physical transphobic behavior do anything you can to get away from the situation. Unfortunately this is to common in today’s society. Look at the amount of trans people who have already been killed today. The hate is out there whether or not you personally see it or are affected by it or not. Protecting yourself from violence is your number one importance from being any part of the LGBT spectrum. If you can’t get away from the offender do your best to protect yourself. Adrenaline is a magical hormone we posses to help us in situations like this. When I was a lesbian I was in several physical altercations due to the fact that I was a lesbian. I was jumped several times, one time being thrown into a retention pond over a 7 foot tall fence. There were times I put up my fist and tried to protect myself as well. You have to quickly evaluate the situation and determine what is the best outcome.

No matter what we do or say transphobia is going to be a part of this society. Unfortunately as much as we would all like we aren’t just going to be able to erase it off the face of this earth one day. Hatred towards groups that are beyond what people consider the “norm” are always at risk for verbal and physical abuse. We have seen it for generations and generations. A lot of the mindsets get passed down from generation to generation too. It unfortunately is how our society works. This isn’t just in America it is all over the world. We just have a little more freedom in America to be ourselves. Remember stand up for what you believe in and stay true to you because at the end of the day no matter how much transphobic behavior you encounter you have to answer to you.

Internalized Transphobia

 

What is internalized transphobia and do we all as trans people have it? Internalized trans-phobia refers to feelings some people have inside about them being trans that they might not even be aware of. It refers to how some people hate that part of themselves and are ashamed of it. For me I was transphobic towards myself in the beginning and it was because I didn’t understand nor did I want to be part of such a hated group at the time, I was simply scared. It took me a long time to come to terms with who I was and therefore made me transphobic because I didn’t want to be trans. I felt like that would make me more of an outcast than I already was identifying as a lesbian. Having internalized transphobia isn’t a bad thing. A lot of the time its out of fear, not understanding, and being worried of what that means for you.

How does this happen?  This happens because of discrimination, ignorance and stigma in society against people who display gender non-conforming behavior.  In other words against men and boys who appear feminine or girls and woman who appear masculine or “butch” or people who are more gender-queer and don’t appear to be completely male or female. Historically, trans-folk have been the butt of jokes, been made fun of, laughed at, been misunderstood and have been the object of derision and violence.  Transgender people have been seen as “less than”. But the truth is we are no different than anyone else.

This attitude has been widespread and so to finally arrive at the idea that this could be you; that you could be a member of this hated group can be very scary.  Not only that, but by growing up in a culture and society where this attitude is common, you take it in and part of you believes it whether you want to or not. This can happen because we often learn the attitudes and beliefs of those around us before we become self-aware enough or wise enough to start questioning them.  We often learn these things from trusted people around us parents, teachers, church leaders, etc.  so that we tend not to question them.  We learn that a certain group of people can be mocked before we know that we are in that group and then we are stuck in the position of hating something about ourselves.

Sometimes the messages or feedback we get from parents and teachers when we are very young contribute to feeling bad about being gender variant.  Like a parent disapproving of acting too “boyish” or “girlish”.  These messages can be very quick and subtle, like a Mother telling her young son not to “stand like a ballerina”.

What happens when you have internalized transphobia? Feelings of hate and shame for yourself which you might not even be aware of can result in low self-esteem and depression.  They can cause you to feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and inferior, even unlovable.  They can make you feel like hiding a big part of yourself or pretend to be someone else.  They can make you to not want to be around people, to withdraw or be a loner.  These feelings can certainly make you feel very unhappy and angry.  Some people take a long time to come out as trans because they have so much internalized trans-phobia.  It can hold you back in life, not only in terms of finding a way to be the gender you are, but in many areas of your life such as forming deep and satisfying connections to others.

Sometimes internalized trans-phobia can keep you from connecting with other trans-folk.  When one has a deep hatred of the gender-queer inside it can get confusing to be around other trans-folk.  You may see them in the way you learned early on as freaky, or not good-enough in some way.  The negative feelings can get pushed outward in this way.

What can you do about internalized transphobia? The first thing to do is to try be aware of it.  Try and acknowledge it if you have it. This is hard to do because we usually automatically try to avoid things about ourselves that we are embarrassed about.  One can feel ashamed of being ashamed!  It gets complicated so it really helps to have a therapist who is knowledgeable about gender issues to do this work with, but a supportive friend or a support group can work too.  It helps to have lots of people in your life who are supportive and positive about you being trans.  It takes time to “undo” deep down beliefs about gender-variant people, just like it took time to get them. Be patient and understanding of yourself. You are learning who you are and need to remember that your happiness and well being is the most important part in your life. So surround yourself with supportive people who love you for you and don’t judge you for who you want to be.